The Parent as the Manipulator

Now, we will look at an example of Emotional Manipulation where the tables are turned – the child is the victim of abuse by the parent.

A young girl named Anna has grown up with her mother and a stepfather who has never really concerned himself with developing a relationship with her. The two met when Anna was 11, and now, she is 13 and getting ready for high school.

Anna`s mom spends as much time with her as possible, though Anna`s Stepfather often forms a divide between them as he introduces ultimatums about who Anna`s Mom will spend time with and how he will leave if she can`t pay enough attention to him.

In this situation, both the mother and daughter are under the influence of emotional abuse, but in different ways. The mother feels that she has a responsibility to both, through the husband tries to manipulate her into feeling as if she is neglecting their relationship.

The Daughter is made to feel as if she is taking time away from her mother and stepfather, and she sees the clearly visible frustration and the rage that develops whenever she comes to her mother. This happens especially when she seeks Attention and support as she enters High School and is Nervous about changes.\

The way the stepfather maintains this kind of emotional abuse cycle is when the victim relents and gives him what he wants – mostly an admission that he is right and they are wrong and an apology. He then Responds with that he is right and they are wrong and an apology.

He then responds with apparent warmth and understanding and gives them just enough hope that he might be changing to keep the relationship going. The daughter is not at the point where she is going to lash out and try to yell some sense into her mother, and the mother does not yet feel that her husband`s requests are inconsiderate or selfish.

This is all because of the way he responds when they finally relent to his wishes. He says things like “I`m sorry for the way I acted” or “I know I am being selfish; I Just really care about you, ” etc.

He learns overtime what is effective and what is ineffective and pays attention to the reactions he gets when he uses different strategies to evoke emotional dependence and sympathy. It is an insidious thing to do in a relationship, especially when the victims are susceptible to compassion and empathy and are naïve.

Both victims want to believe that they are not in a dangerous or toxic situations, and they Grasp into the kernel of hope each time a bad interaction ends. This acts as the fuel that moves the situation forward as it escalates, all the while the victims believe they are making headway and coming to an understanding.

This situation is a prime hunting ground for the Manipulator, who may start to use different Manipulative Tactics to enforce control and Dominance. The stepfather may be driven by a number of different motivators that are mostly unfathomable to people who are not in that position.

He may be Jealous of the two young women`s bond and in that position. He may be Jealous of the two young women`s bond and acts out of the Frustration with this, trying to drive them apart and force himself between them. 

There may outside factors involved, as we`ve discussed, which lead him to act out on the people he feels he has control over.

The danger comes into play when the cycle is broken in some way, and there is possibility that the stepfather reacts violently as his paradigm of control over the household is shattered.

Perhaps somewhere along the road, the victim realizes that things are never going to change and that the love and trust and respect that the mother once thought was there no longer exists.

They decide to leave permanently and even reach out to government agencies and other family members for support. Then try to plan a quiet escape, but the stepfather finds out and immediately gets angry to the point of rage.

Many Tragic endings have followed such a scenario in Real Life, and it highlights the need for support in the area of domestic abuse victims who are trying to get out of a dangerous and toxic environment at home.

Another set of circumstances where the Parent might exercise Emotional Manipulation is in the case of an Absent Parent who later back to ask for support from an Adult child. Even when a Parent is Absent, there is a bond and desire for connection with the child in most cases, which might drive them to find the parent later in life to try to rekindle the relationship.

In another scenario, the child is strong enough to accept that even though this person is Family, they have not earned the Love and Respect that would have been afforded had they actually functioned like a parent in the home. When an estranged Parent comes to a Point in their Lives when they really don`t see any other means of support other than their children, things can get awkward and heartbreaking really.

After that initial approach, the Parent usually hides the fact that they need help and pretends that the meeting is all about wanting to apologize and reintroduce himself into the child`s life. He must then watch the child`s Response and Play according to how open and willing he is to give in and let his father talk.

If there is any degree of desire for reconnection or existing love even after having been abandoned, then the father might be able to latch onto this and go along with the idea that they are forming a relationship that both had missed out on while the child was growing up.

This is another form of toxic Emotional Manipulation, which plays on a child`s love for his parents, even when they are not the best parents in the world.

Just like the example above where the parents give in to a son who is increasingly absent and becoming distant in their lives, there is a very strong unconditional love that is present in many families, which can be very difficult to overcome in toxic and manipulative situations. 

The abuser will milk this tendency for all it`s worth where their needs or desires are desperate, while the victims desperately cling to the possibility that they can change things for the better each time they are manipulated into helping out the abuser in some way.

So we have Discussed in this Chapter about the “Toxic Family Members” .

In Next Chapter we will going to start 

“Defenses Against Brainwashing“

Perhaps right alongside Manipulation between Romantic Partners is Manipulation that is exercised between Family Members, and this is one of the most hurtful and toxic experiences a person can go through.

In this Chapter, we will go over some example situations in which Fark psychology can operate between Family Members in a home or close Family Members Living Apart. The First Dynamic we will discuss is that between a Parent and Child.

The Child as the Manipulator

When you were young, do you remember your Parents using certain Tactics on you as a way to show you that something you did was wrong or to Punish you?

Some of us talk about the Guilt Factor involved when a Parent would simply Look really hurt and explain that she is disappointed as a way to make the child feel bad for his actions. This took the place of Physical Punishment, and i think a lot of us would say that this form of Emotional Punishment utilizing Guilt and Shame can be worse than a Spanking.

As a child grows older, she may employ Manipulation Tactics in order to Deceive or Mislead Parents so that they can do things that are normally not Allowed. This is considered pretty typical behavior for Teenagers to most people, though it can be infuriating and frustrating for Parents trying to guide and protect their kids.

When Manipulative Tactics turn Toxic and cause Long-Term Harm, a Vicious cycle of hurt and mistrust can form where there was once Love and Trust. Abusing another`s love for you for the sake of getting something from them is a hurtful and damaging path.

Lets look at an example to see how this might unfold. A couple of attentive and nurturing Parents raise a Sone Named Derek. Derek is a well-behaved kid all throughout Grade School and Middle School, but in high school, he starts getting involved with kids who are always drinking and partying.

They also Introduced him to Drugs. At first, he just partakes every once in a while when he is at a party, but after his first two years in high school, he realizes he was developed a kind of dependency on it and craves the drugs several times a week.

He has someone to buy from in connection with his friends at school, but he doesn`t always have the money. To get cash, he asks his Parents and makes up an excuse for needing money. He has not been getting in trouble with the school, and his parents do not know about his behavior outside of school. They miss him more and more because he seems to be gone so much, but he does not really open up to them often.

In this situation, a kind of trade-off turns into a vicious cycle, and Derek picks up on how he can Manipulate his Parents to get what he wants because he knows what they need from him. When he needs cash, he also takes a night to spend time with them and talk to them about school and basically just tell them what they want to hear – that he is doing well and he is happy and healthy.

At the end of the conversation, once he feels he has made some key connections with them, he says that he needs money for something reasonable. Maybe he says he just met a girl and wants to take her out, or he needs money to help with a Project or Event at school because he is part of a committee or something like that. 

His Parents, now warmed up because they have gotten to spend a little time with him, agree to give him some cash and are even a bit generous. After this happens, he disappears for the next two nights, perhaps texting his Parents to let them know he will not be able to make it to Dinner but sometimes forgetting. 

The cycle continues all the way through High School, and after high school, he genuinely tries to get a job but finds that his Drug use puts him in a state where he can`t really function as he needs to in order to keep a job, and the addiction has just grown stronger.

His Parents, in this situation, are the most Tragic Component here in a lot of ways Emotionally. They have raised a son whom they love more than anything, yet he is pulling away. They begin to suspect that he is not as Healthy and Happy as he was when he tried to convince them in High school.

Perhaps they finally pick up on the possibility that he is doing Drugs and not doing well academically around his third or fourth years of High School, so they try to talk to him, but he denies everything. He keeps asking for Money and Occasionally coming Home and spending time with them at Dinner and having conversations afterward, but he doesn`t open up much about his social Life, and he always asks for money at the End of it.

When they are hesitate, and they ask him about where the money is going, he gets defensive, accusing them of not Loving him anymore. Or he Breaks Down crying and trying to evoke feelings of Pity and Guilt so that they might Relent. The Parents may Realize at some point, that they are being played, but they are so Torn because of their Love and Concerns for Derek.

Unfortunately, this is not such an uncommon situation nowadays. Kids are getting out of school and finding it difficult to get a good job or being inundated with influences who are into Drugs and Criminal Activity to make money instead of Working.

Loving Parents find themselves in a place where they wonder what went wrong, and they despair about the state of their kids, yet they are tethered unconditionally by their Love and can never say No when their child comes home and asks for support because they are so desperate to spend time with him and try to break through that shell he has put up around himself. They are desperate, just as much as Derek is to get what he needs to feed his habit.

Cycles like this one can last for years and years as the Parents continually try to reach the son, while the son continually comes home, begging for cash or a place to stay for a night or two. One constant thing in this cycle, which keeps feeding it, is the promise that things are going to change or that he is going to get help and be better and that he just needs some cash to help him get started.

The lies and Emotional Manipulation continues while the Parents are strung along behind, desperately hoping for a miracle and unable to shut their son out or Refuse him Help.

Situations like this one do not often have easy endings, though sometimes, the child successfully competes Rehab and then struggles with everything he has to change and kick his Habit for good. People do this through all kinds of different support networks, sometimes Religious Affiliations or Charity Organizations where they completely reorient their Focus and surround themselves with support to help them stay away from the temptations of their old lives. The cycle can be broken, but it is hard road where emotions are involved in Manipulation Techniques over time.

So, we have Discuss how Child can play a role of Manipulation with their Parents. In Next Topic we are going to Discuss 

“The Parent as the Manipulator“