The Parent as the Manipulator

Now, we will look at an example of Emotional Manipulation where the tables are turned – the child is the victim of abuse by the parent.

A young girl named Anna has grown up with her mother and a stepfather who has never really concerned himself with developing a relationship with her. The two met when Anna was 11, and now, she is 13 and getting ready for high school.

Anna`s mom spends as much time with her as possible, though Anna`s Stepfather often forms a divide between them as he introduces ultimatums about who Anna`s Mom will spend time with and how he will leave if she can`t pay enough attention to him.

In this situation, both the mother and daughter are under the influence of emotional abuse, but in different ways. The mother feels that she has a responsibility to both, through the husband tries to manipulate her into feeling as if she is neglecting their relationship.

The Daughter is made to feel as if she is taking time away from her mother and stepfather, and she sees the clearly visible frustration and the rage that develops whenever she comes to her mother. This happens especially when she seeks Attention and support as she enters High School and is Nervous about changes.\

The way the stepfather maintains this kind of emotional abuse cycle is when the victim relents and gives him what he wants – mostly an admission that he is right and they are wrong and an apology. He then Responds with that he is right and they are wrong and an apology.

He then responds with apparent warmth and understanding and gives them just enough hope that he might be changing to keep the relationship going. The daughter is not at the point where she is going to lash out and try to yell some sense into her mother, and the mother does not yet feel that her husband`s requests are inconsiderate or selfish.

This is all because of the way he responds when they finally relent to his wishes. He says things like “I`m sorry for the way I acted” or “I know I am being selfish; I Just really care about you, ” etc.

He learns overtime what is effective and what is ineffective and pays attention to the reactions he gets when he uses different strategies to evoke emotional dependence and sympathy. It is an insidious thing to do in a relationship, especially when the victims are susceptible to compassion and empathy and are naïve.

Both victims want to believe that they are not in a dangerous or toxic situations, and they Grasp into the kernel of hope each time a bad interaction ends. This acts as the fuel that moves the situation forward as it escalates, all the while the victims believe they are making headway and coming to an understanding.

This situation is a prime hunting ground for the Manipulator, who may start to use different Manipulative Tactics to enforce control and Dominance. The stepfather may be driven by a number of different motivators that are mostly unfathomable to people who are not in that position.

He may be Jealous of the two young women`s bond and in that position. He may be Jealous of the two young women`s bond and acts out of the Frustration with this, trying to drive them apart and force himself between them. 

There may outside factors involved, as we`ve discussed, which lead him to act out on the people he feels he has control over.

The danger comes into play when the cycle is broken in some way, and there is possibility that the stepfather reacts violently as his paradigm of control over the household is shattered.

Perhaps somewhere along the road, the victim realizes that things are never going to change and that the love and trust and respect that the mother once thought was there no longer exists.

They decide to leave permanently and even reach out to government agencies and other family members for support. Then try to plan a quiet escape, but the stepfather finds out and immediately gets angry to the point of rage.

Many Tragic endings have followed such a scenario in Real Life, and it highlights the need for support in the area of domestic abuse victims who are trying to get out of a dangerous and toxic environment at home.

Another set of circumstances where the Parent might exercise Emotional Manipulation is in the case of an Absent Parent who later back to ask for support from an Adult child. Even when a Parent is Absent, there is a bond and desire for connection with the child in most cases, which might drive them to find the parent later in life to try to rekindle the relationship.

In another scenario, the child is strong enough to accept that even though this person is Family, they have not earned the Love and Respect that would have been afforded had they actually functioned like a parent in the home. When an estranged Parent comes to a Point in their Lives when they really don`t see any other means of support other than their children, things can get awkward and heartbreaking really.

After that initial approach, the Parent usually hides the fact that they need help and pretends that the meeting is all about wanting to apologize and reintroduce himself into the child`s life. He must then watch the child`s Response and Play according to how open and willing he is to give in and let his father talk.

If there is any degree of desire for reconnection or existing love even after having been abandoned, then the father might be able to latch onto this and go along with the idea that they are forming a relationship that both had missed out on while the child was growing up.

This is another form of toxic Emotional Manipulation, which plays on a child`s love for his parents, even when they are not the best parents in the world.

Just like the example above where the parents give in to a son who is increasingly absent and becoming distant in their lives, there is a very strong unconditional love that is present in many families, which can be very difficult to overcome in toxic and manipulative situations. 

The abuser will milk this tendency for all it`s worth where their needs or desires are desperate, while the victims desperately cling to the possibility that they can change things for the better each time they are manipulated into helping out the abuser in some way.

So we have Discussed in this Chapter about the “Toxic Family Members” .

In Next Chapter we will going to start 

“Defenses Against Brainwashing“