More on the Win-Win Technique | Styles of Negotiating ( Part 2 )

Dear Readers In our Last Part we had discussed the “Process Stage“. Today we will be discussing “The Formal Event“.

• The Formal Event

Once a relationship of Trust has been established, it elicits recognition of mutual vulnerability, it prevents disruptive conflict from developing, and it encourages the sharing of information. The evolution to this climate will change attitudes, affect expectations, and transform gladiators into problem solvers.
If the process stage was used to bring about this transformation, the parties will approach the formal event seeking a solution that will satisfy everyone’s needs.
At the outset of the formal event, continue to build upon the common ground and establish trust. Start off with a positive approach that will get immediate agreement on all sides. If the event is a group meeting, you might say, “Ladies and Gentlemen, can we agree on why we are here? How does this strike you? … To fashion a fair and equitable solution to this situation that all of us can live with?“
Obviously, you are not asking for feedback, but your framing of the problem or goal is bound to generate assent. Why, your statement is the equivalent of asking for approval of apple pie, the flag, and a hot lunch for orphans!
The initial focus of the discussion should always be on getting agreement to this general statement of the problem. If you can get everyone looking to this end result, they will spend their energy and creativity searching for different alternatives and new ways that might accommodate the needs of all concerned.
Conversely, if you star out talking about means or alternatives, as in “My way versus your Way,” you will quickly get bogged down in disagreement. From this Point, demands and counter-demands follow, and the next step is that the group is polarized into winners and losers.
Thus by keeping the emphasis on ends and not means, those involved will move from general disagreement to general agreement. This will reduce Anxiety, defuse hostility, and encourage freer communication of facts, feelings, and needs. In such a creative climate a broad range of new alternatives will develop, enabling everyone to get what they want.
Let me give you example of this. About a year ago, when conducting a bit of business in Ames, Iowa, I had dinner at a restaurant with a couple I’ve known for a long time. I’ll call them gray and Janet. After we examined the menu I asked, “ What’s wrong? If you don’t mind my saying so, you both seem a little tense.“
Gray fiddled with his fork, “You won’t believe this, Herb, but we’re having trouble deciding where to go on our 2-week vacation this year. I want to go to Northern Minnesota, or possibly Canada. Janet wants to go to play tennis at a resort in Woodlands, Texas–“
“Our High School son, who’s so crazy about water he’s like the Creature from the Black Lagoon, wants to go to the Lake of the Ozarks in southern Missouri,” Interjected Janet.She Added, “Our Grade school son wants to see the Adirondacks again, because he has a thing about mountains … and our daughter, who’s a junior in college, doesn’t care if she goes anywhere this year”.“How Come?” I asked.
“Because she yearns for peace and quite,” Grumbled Gary. “ She’d like to bask in the sun in our backyard and study for her Law School Aptitude Test. But we don’t want to leave her home Alone.“
“Hmmm…” I said. “You’re sure all over the lot geographically. Minnesota, Texas, the Adirondacks, the Lake of the Ozarks, and your backyard are about as far apart as you can get.“
“You’d think it would be fun, discussing a vacation, but all we do is argue! Talk about conflict! Gary here doesn’t want to go to Texas because he can’t stand air conditioning.“
“Can you blame me?” said Gary. “ I have an Air conditioner breathing down my neck 5 months out of the year! it makes my muscles ache. I also can’t stand humidity, and Texas is Humid.“
“That’s not all,” continued Janet. “My beloved husband doesn’t want to wear a jacket and tie to dinner — and I, for one, plan to dine out at a nice restaurant every evening. I’m tired of being the chief cook and bottle washer!“
“I plan to be casual this year,” said Gary. “I want to play Golf while you play tennis and then not have to change again for a meal. By the way, our high school son doesn’t want to dress for dinner either. All he wants to do is walk around in his jeans.“
“Are you going to drive or take a plane?” I asked, mentally fitting their information tidbits together.
“We’re going to drive,” said Gary. “I’m a white-knuckle flyer.“
“But once we get to where we’re going,” Janet said, “ I don’t intend to get in the car until we’re ready to come back. I spend too much of my time, whatever the season, acting as an unpaid chauffeur.“
After our waiter queried us, then jotted down our entrées, I said, “If you’ll pardon my saying this — and I think I can say it, because I’ve known you for a long time — I have a feeling you may be approaching this problem the wrong way.“
“I’m all ears,” said Gary, fiddling with his fork.
“What you ought to try,” I said, “Is to find a solution all of you can not only live with, but be happy with.“
“How?” asked Janet, grinding out her cigarette.
“From what I hear,” I said, “All five of you are acting like adversaries, rather than collaborative Problem Solvers.” I turned to Gary. “According to your comments, your needs are to play golf, not dress for dinner, and get away from both air conditioning and humidity.“
“Right,” he said.
I Turned to Janet. “According to your comments, your needs are to play tennis, eat out, and not have to drive a car.“
“True,” she assented.
“Your real needs aren’t necessarily to go to Texas or Canada. Those are means or Alternatives that you think will satisfy your needs.“
They both pursed their lips.
Gesturing to a Bus Boy to bring us more water, I continued “Your youngest child wants to see mountains; your middle child wants to swim, Fish, or do Both; and your oldest child wants to study for an aptitude Test. Are all those Individual needs incompatible?“
“I don’t know,” said Gary. “ Maybe not.“

So Readers, what will be like in this situation. We will discuss this in Part 2 of The Formal Event.
“Formal Event ( Part 2 )“
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